Tough

I am at a tough place in my life. I feel as if now I have an idea of where I'm trying to go, as far as my future goes. I know I want to go to graduate school. I know I want to write, I think. I know I want to be a catalyst for change, in some shape or form. The thing with me is that back when I didn't know what I wanted to do, I had no motivation, nothing pushing me to excel. I was lazy, got decent grades, nothing too exciting about. I was basically an average student with potential unseen by anyone before.

Now when I have some focus, some direction in my life for once I have absolutely no time to accomplish all the things I want to do. I also feel like I waited too long to get things done. I don't think I'll graduate when I want to, nor do I think I'll even get into graduate school now. For all the things I need to get done, 24 hours in a day isn't enough. I wish I could cut something out of my life to free up time but I feel as if people are counting on me....

I think it's time's like this when people rise to the occasion though, right? Against all the odds, against all the pressure and the fact that I probably won't get all of this accomplished, I'm suppose to just do it. I can honestly say I changed from three years ago before I go to college. Before then I believed in the impossible. I honestly believed anything was possible if you put your heart into it. I guess I sobered up in some ways. The spirit that I use to have, the fire that was always burning inside of me has died....

The only way to describe it is to use a basketball metaphor (probably not the right literary device...) In basketball you're always suppose to run back and play defense. No matter if the opposition has a clear breakaway lay-up. It's the idea of never giving up on the play that keeps you fighting. I use to always run back and contest the shot. Nowadays when I play, I notice I'm like every other player out there. I let all lay-ups go without trying. It may only be two points here and there, but it all adds up in the end when the game is on the line!

I know I'm struggling with something real tough...It's like I have the matches....the wood...the oxygen too. But still no fire. Lazyness I agree is mixed in there somewhere, but it's something deeper than that....